Notes On A Revelation

Note: As tired as I am if I don’t write this now, I’m totally going to lose the original moment that I had (if I haven’t already). Last weekend I went on the retreat for my Intro to Ministry class. I can honestly say that it changed my world spiritually. I’ve been hearing the Holy Spirit speak to me on major levels that I didn’t think were possible at this point in my life (probably because I had no faith) and it’s crazy. It is a daunting task. But I can say that I feel God pulling at me just as much as I’ve felt Satan pulling at me in these past couple years. This week hasn’t been anywhere near perfect, but I must say it’s been a better week because I know that God is getting through to me. He was trying before, but maybe I just wasn’t receptive. I don’t know. Man! I originally wanted this to be one of those long and vibrant e-mails where I explain everything that I’ve come to understand…but as I’m tired (in every aspect), and as none of you all actually have time for all that, I’l just strip it down to a few key points on what’s been. (in no set order) 1. I got a good glimpse into how much God loves me. 2. A made a few (count em, few) decent friends that are going to help me through this process. 3. I realized what I don’t know can and will fill the Grand Canyon and beyond (hopefully that gap will get a little bit smaller as time goes on, cause this is too overwhelming currently) 4. I realized I have a long pattern of running away from my problems into distractions/addictions that either kill me slowly or stunt my growth all together (which is relatively the same thing) 5. Most of all, (now I sound like I’m writing a Comp paper) I want to get insulated. I see it in other people, so I know it’s possible to get to the point where every test and trial you reach doesn’t bring you to a screeching halt. When I say insulated, I mean…become stronger in the Lord to where I’m able to help others in addition not killing myself (figuratively) over every bump in the road. 6. My life has repeated itself numerous times. Something AIN’T working, obviously. 7. I still don’t know what God wants me to do with my life. I wish He would just tell me already, but I think he wants me to seek him a little harder to find out. I think. Therefore I don’t know. Much prayer is solicited at this point, but more than just that I could use some good advice (not that I haven’t been getting it, but the blinders are off, so I might catch something that was already said a little better) 8. All of this gave me a TON of stronger writing ideas like you wouldn’t believe. Well, you won’t believe it till you see it. Or hear it. Anyway. GOODNIGHT stephen P.S.: I’m learning too much out of Comp 101. Now if I still fail that at the end of this semester….we are gonna have a problem.

I’m beginning to realize a lot of things don’t matter. Haven’t reached that super epiphany yet, but I’m learning through the faulty vein of what I consider to be my brain. Friends are good to have, but in the grand scheme of things, they don’t matter. You might end up with one or two really close people that understand you/like you/and are just overall good healthy individuals to chill with. Or not. As my teacher Dr. Haluska would say… “Whatever.” (Another one of those things that sound a lot better when you hear it) However, I am being a slight bit less anti-social, and trying to get involved in some of my own projects as well as some of the schools programs (I’m looking for another word, but that’ll do at 2 a.m.) Thing number two is (slight reference to the “Stank Religion” post) your beliefs don’t matter until you put them into action in your daily life ALL THE TIME. I think of us good little Southern students living in our dorms, going to our classes, eating in the cafe/KRs/etc,  working our little 10-20 something hrs/wk on-campus jobs, watching our movies, working out at the gym or the wellness center, playing our games, and jamming to our music. Little to none of this actually involves God. Not that those activities are bad at face value (depending on the individual of course), but I notice a pattern of us doing our little routines without having worship (at any point), without praying (unless it’s finals week), or really having much of anything to do with God at all. And on the flip side of that we want to claim that we’re so much more righteous that the man that has nothing to do with God for a legit reason. At least he has a reason! You’re just being stupid! The thing is I wonder does everyone know they’re full of that much bull, or is everyone who behaves this way (like me) fully aware of their actions, but too much of an idiot to change the game. Discuss.

This is a bit of a short post for me. I’ve been here for over a year since I was at school. I’m not sure how much I have learned what with all of my so-called “honesty” and “keeping it real” demeanor. I know I have stumbled further away from Christ. I know that I have learned more about responsibility. I know that I have such a long way to go before I can ever reach any kind of goal or place of rightness in just being a man. I know I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now. I know I need to no longer want to need for someone to validate me in anything. I know that I still deal with the same problems that I always have. But at the same time, I don’t want to give up, as much as I may tell myself I do. I know that God has more for my life if I will just seek Him and be submissive. And as for everyone else’s pre-conceived opinions of me…that’s a bunch of bull.

More to come starting Thursday.

I still stand by everything that I said in Part One. However, if you can relate, after reading what I wrote a couple weeks later, I feel that it has a bit of that self righteous bulltalk swagger to it, as I have not been putting it into practice. Before I go into it though, may I say congratulations to solitarytellurium for connecting with God recently! I think it’s making all of us around here smile quite a bit more than usual. Anyway, what got me thinking about writing another post to this was actually something I heard Kanye West say in an interview I was watching on YouTube a couple days ago.

“…Just like with me, like how I don’t wanna be Jesus Christ, you know, my whole life I was raised as a Christian, and I always had people telling me “be Christ-like, be Christ-like”, and I’m like no, I don’t wanna f-in be Christlike. I wanna be me-like, I wanna be the best me. You’re gonna fall short of being Christ-like, and then you’ll never quite be happy. And then you’ll always feel like you have to give up 20% of your money to try and buy back some of this happiness or something like that, and it’s just like, naw…I wanna be me.”

After hearing that it really got me thinking. This is the problem we have. We live in this world, and following the whole system of maintaining (or  some of us the system of overtaining, but I’ll get to that whole American Dream bit later…) we get used to the idea that we’re supposed to handle everything on our own. Like we can actually do any good on our own. It’s pathetic. All goodness comes from God. He’s given each of us a small measure of goodness already, otherwise we would never even remotely think to do anything outside of our selfish desires. Whenever we intially came to Christ, that desire to be more for Him was awakened. But then after we experienced that we continued to go about handling everyday life with its temptaions, struggles, pains, and confusion the same way as we did before God spoke to us. I have this problem everytime I get a spiritual high. I get high on Jesus, and then I think that feeling is enough to keep me sustained. Prepare to get owned with that approach. Back and forth. “Oh, God spoke to me!” “I was blessed at church!” “I was blessed at bible study!” You go from there to “Man, I’m just not feeling God. It’s like hes not even there.” Eventually you begin to feel like “Forget trying to be Christ-like. I’ve got to be the best me I can be because that’s my life and that’s what’s real.” Basicially taking matters into your own hands, when you can do nothing without God. Usually what pushes us to this mode of thinking is a hard trial, or a circumstance that really just sucks.

Bottom Line: No matter how greasy things get (or un-greasy, cause some people just have easier lives like that) we are nothing without God, and can accomplish nothing good and righteous on our own. It’s not going to work. Your life will suck that much more. Ignoring God or leaving Him out of the equation and attempting to handle your bidness and do you is going to be the death of you. One way. Or the other. You feel me? I don’t wanna sound like I’m on that higher plane right now spiritually, because I’m not. I’ve gotten used to setting aside God for my weekend, and living how I want to during the week. God help me (and you) that I won’t continue to grieve the Holy Spirit, because the day is coming when God will give you over to a depraved mind, because that’s what you want instead of a loving relationship with Him. Then not only will your religion be stank, but it will also be non-existent. In fact it already is. Check yourself and repent. I mean this as much for myself as for anyone else who reads it. The best you that you can be on your own is the same stank character you’re trying to improve on right now. Only difference is you just get older and stankier (I know that’s not a word but focus on the message here).

I getting a feeling from what I’m hearing from other people, and it just makes sense because of the times we are living in…everyone who isn’t already on the “gospel train”, so-to-speak, is experiencing a “stankness” in their relationship with God, their relationship towards their church or demonination, and just all things relating to religion in general (I can only speak on what I know personally which is Seventh Day Adventist Christianity. So if you’re anything else, your results may differ than what I’m describing here.) Ok, here we are all complaining about how life is so hard and difficult (with good reason because it is), and that we can’t figure out what God wants us to do, and we’re getting fed up with church and the rules of religion. I don’t really have the time to lay out everything I wanna say. But first here’s a relevant quote from Rick Warren.

“The last thing many believers need today is to go to another Bible study. They already know far more than they are putting into practice. What they need are serving experiences in which they can exercise their spiritual muscles.” -Rick Warren

This is the point I’m trying to make for everyone is feeling like me…disgusted, tired, ready to give up, but not totally ready to run away from God (or maybe you’re just waiting for the right moment, I dunno). We don’t put God first. At all. We put him last. We don’t read His Word daily. And I’m talking serious reading. You know, the same serious reading you did when the last Twilight novel came out, and you finished that sucker in 1-2 days? Yeah. Engaged reading. We don’t pray. And we do we don’t have faith. We don’t trust God to do what he says he will do for us in His Word because we don’t read it! And because we don’t know or trust his promises, when he get hit with that heat (trials, temptation, dire circumstances, questions about future and direction in which to go) we don’t know what to do and then we blame God as if he hasn’t been trying to speak to us this WHOLE TIME. One thing God keeps telling me is to get YOUR WEIGHT UP! I’ve raised you to be my child, I’ve given you everything you need to draw nigh unto me and have the strength to get over this little trials that you’re facing now (because it is going to get greasier, believe that). All you have to do is accept my truth and follow me! Not the church, not the pastor, not the deacon or the elder or the teacher, but ME. And if we would get serious about that, and realize that all we really need is to follow God as His children, we wouldn’t be worried about the trivial things. Because God can provide that. A couple days ago I started thinking about the time I ran away from home (being that I was walking on the same road that I ran on that day not too long ago), and I realized how uncanny it was that God took care of me during that time. I had barely any money, but God fed me and sheltered me that entire weekend before I came back home. The bottom line is…the more you allow Satan and his way of thinking to take over your mind, the more you continue to doubt God, the more you ignore Him and think you can handle your life on your own, eventually God will give you over to your sinful nature, because you refuse to let him in. It’s getting more serious, and more greasy now, because we are getting closer to the end. You really want to play around with this? Your entertainment or you pleasure is more important than your relationship with God? Really? Your job? Your cash flow? Your desires? Your pain? We’ve got to let it go.

This is going to be a short post, But I’m trying to stay updated with this blog on a regular basis. I have decided I definitely want to stay up, stay motivated, and stay IN CHRIST. It’s very hard, and sometimes real life happens…but I know God has more for me than just to sit here working minimum wage, complaining and feeling depressed 24/7. I feel like I’ve been looking at things the wrong way. God has blessed me so much…despite the fact that I’ve never had a father, despite the fact that I may not be going back to SAU for a while at least, despite the fact that I don’t have money and my mom’s in tons of debt, despite everything that I could and can and do complain and fret about, God has been good and is good to me.  So no matter who doesn’t pick up the phone, or no matter who knows my struggle or who doesn’t, or whether or not I get everything I want or think I need….staying up and being a witness to my family, my co-workers, and everyone in between is way more important. I’ll continue this principle in the next blog…

I keep picking up the cell phone. Opening and closing it. Looking through my contacts and then closing it again. Looking for someone to talk to. Ocassionally ringing up a teacher or a friend and getting the answering machine. My mom and sister are out of town as I said before. But even so…I want to be somewhere doing something with this life that I’ve been given. I hate it, but nothing is all I’ve got, so I’ve got to do something with it. I don’t know what to tell you. I can’t make this blog funny and retarded like Robby. Or interesting and sensible like Curtis’s. None of that is going on in my life at the moment. Not much other than pain, struggle, and long stretches of work with little pay. I can’t talk to these snitches out here, and for the same reason. I guess I just need to talk to the Lord. I really need some guidance. I’m also going to record some music stuff tonight and tomorrow, so maybe that’s where I should be venting.  Well, more later.

Well this certainly is a switch up. Guess where my mom and sister are. At Southern. Guess where I am? Right here in stanky old Aiken, South Carolina…population: all those old retired white people. I feel very much alone right now. And I feel like it will be that way for a long time. (Insert Cliche Here: Aw, Stephen. Have faith. Everything is gonna be alright.) I dunno. I don’t understand people. My mother and I have been having some trouble with my sister lately…I mean like seriouis stupid mess. Sometimes I wish I could put this mess on camera for those who don’t know my struggle and be like there! Now what did I tell you? What you know about this right here? Not everyone’s life is as set in stone as yours. I’m trying to really not think about SAU. Money is down. And probably will be more down later. I have none saved. My mother and sister are not working currently so I am bringing the only money in the house. I’m guessing my major will probably be Education when I go back. Or maybe I’ll just end up doing some quick degree at a technical school. Get that cursed money. I hate this life. The life in this sinful world that we must carry on right now? Yes, I do hate it. And with good reason. See me. Again I don’t understand people. I don’t understand how a sister can steal from her brother and repeatedly lie about it until he goes and handles her behind at Wachovia bank. I don’t understand why a young black man who was raised in the church will smoke weed until that’s literally all he does. Everyday. In his 20s now, without a job, and contemplating going to the block to hustle that drug money again.  I don’t understand why preachers would rather attempt to be comedians than preach the unadulterated truth. Really! Can we hear the message and not your made up stories? Ya think?! I wish I wasn’t still hooked to that drug. That thang is one bad mutha. Past couple years would’ve been totally different if I had surrendered to Christ and let it go. The past week would’ve been different. I had a great first half. Second quarter I missed the mark. Back at one like Brian McKnight I guess. Square one, that is. Things in the game have definitely changed and are changING. Lord, I need your help!

Okay. It’s officially been three weeks since my “life changing” visit to Southern Adventist University. I say “life changing” because it didn’t really change my life (of course), but it was just a time where God kind of out his hands on my shoulder and said “For crying out loud, listen to me already!” And I did. There’s a few things I’ve been learning in the past few weeks as I have been trying (and not trying at times) to implement the advice and counsel I got over that weekend.

1. Nothing and nobody will change my life but God (and I have to surrender to him daily to allow Him to to change me). So let’s get it straight. A song, a sermon, a friend, a teacher, an activity, a bible study, an experience…any person or any thing in and of itself isn’t going to much for me other than give me information and possibly make me feel something be it good or bad (basicially). Not knocking any of those things, but this is real talk. If I want real change, you need to get a good dose of “live right”. Which brings me to…

2. It’s easier for me to act like everything I’m doing is all right, than to actually live right. I hear a lot of people say ‘I need to get my act together’ a lot. Getting my act together? So instead of people judging me and saying “Ooh, look at that sinner. He does this and he’s going to hell.”, I can go to church and spout the word, and still do whatever I want on the side. That is wack! But it’s “what we do” as Christians…or more accurately, people who go to church. This isn’t the first time I’ve struggled with this, but I keep falling into this cycle of stale Adventism and Christianity. It’s not worth it. So if I’m going to be for God, I want to be for him all the way.

3. Because I feel that way, I will sometimes go into this cycle of ignoring God at times when I fail, or when I give in to sin. I think I’m learning to come out of that. It’s a process.

4. No matter where I go in life, I will always be stuck with my family/my family will always be stuck with me. Even when I’m not physicially with my family, if my home situation isn’t right. That’s still going to effect me. So it’s my responsibility to do right by my family. They’re the people God gave me, and I’m never going to learn to love anybody else until I learn to love them. I refuse to pull a Toneto.

5. I guess I’m just starting to see what it is to man up and handle your business. Life isn’t all about money, unless you want to prostitute yourself by making your life all about getting to that green green. Everybody (in general) is slaving away for and to the money. Some people just to make ends meet. Others can’t see past it. I just want to be able to take care of my own by the grace of God, and use it wisely.

More lessons later…

Everyday I’m trying to gain something more out of it.