Notes On A Revelation

Almost 2 months ago, when I had just got out of school, I started thinking very seriously about church. I’ve grown up in the church all my life (as a Seventh Day Adventist Christian) and lately I’ve been scratching my head trying to figure out what good I’ve gotten out of it personally and spiritually. Almost anything I learned about God, Jesus, right-doing, morals, you-name-it…I got from my mother, but not really from the church. Church didn’t really have much of an impact on me until the age of 7 and up…I heard a sermon that connected with me, the Holy Spirit moved and made me want to get baptized. After that though, for the next couple years, it was just a place that I went to, sat for a while, and then went home on Saturdays.

1998-2002 I was going to church in Augusta, GA (a “black” church half of that time [Ebenezer], and a “white” church the other half [Augusta First]…gotta love those color coded churches). There was so much corruption in the Ebenezer church that it was really hard to get anything out of it spiritually. Augusta First was more fun, because they had things for me to do, yet the people were somewhat disconnected. It didn’t really feel like family or even people that honestly cared. 2002-2005 was the tiny & old church in Aiken, full of nothing but old people. No youth. No creativity in trying to reach anybody (or passion). However, lots of pew warming traditionalists (and some who don’t, but still have the same effect anyway).

2005 until I came to SAU, I was going to another “black” church in Columbia. It was such a welcome change from sitting in the pews and singing hymns with people who weren’t even feeling what they were singing about (for the most part). However,  the services were often to the other extreme of getting too hype when there should be solemnness. Also, the people didn’t feel like family, though they smiled a lot, greeted a lot, and did all those nice things, the love of Christ was often absent.

Leaving the churches around school out (because I church hopped my entire history of being here in TN), the last church I’ve been to was the Present Truth church (it’s in Augusta…and due to some issues they changed their name to the Everlasting Gospel Church). First of all, the whole Present Truth movement is sort of an off-shoot of the Adventist Church (they still claim to be Adventists), that takes things really seriously, and is really focused on getting the core message of Adventism out (which I applaud, because many of these churches are not taking anything seriously). However, it feels more like school than church (and school is more fun!), since all we do is sit and listen to a couple people speak for hours and hours. Then we have what’s meant to be a potluck (I won’t crack on the meal too hard, but just because you’re vegan doesn’t mean your food has to be nasty/dry). Then they go across the street to a nursing home, and sermonize in there to old sick people who probably aren’t grasping much, if any of it. After that, we go back to the church and listen to more sermonizing. All the way until 8 pm. (and sometimes, they even have the nerve to have a business meeting after that…) There’s much more issues I had with the church but I’ll stop there.

How is acting like you’re the only one who’s going to be saved, or that you’re the only one who understands doctrine truthfully going to help anybody? Where’s the love? Jesus loved and worked with people before he tried to teach them anything…how else would they listen? So not sure I agree with the whole idea they have…positive that I disagree with their approach. If I stayed there any longer than I did, I probably would left the church. I’m already struggling with faith as it is these days.

I’m still going to go to church, despite the fact that it has done little for my spiritual experience in the grand scheme of things, I relish the idea of church, even if only my social needs are being met. I am going to get more involved (not that I haven’t been in the past), but being more proactive always helps a situation and changes your view on it as well. The state of the church these days is sad, but we’ve got to actually do something about it rather than talk about all the problems it is/has causing us (which can only have any worth if followed by action).

I have run out of the steam that was needed to write this piece, so I’m going to stop here.

I don’t know if anyone else knew this man other than those in my Interpersonal Ministry class…nevertheless, my heart is saddened to hear that Matthew Nam passed away. I’ve had trouble accepting it in my head today after one of my other classmates told me the news. Apparently he died in a car accident after he left SAU on this past Thursday. I had just got through talking with him. He even took one of my surveys for General Pysch and got his friends to help me fill the rest of them out. I appreciated the way he took the time out to get to know me and many others in the class personally. My prayers go out to his family and close friends…I hope to see him in heaven.

Curtis reminded me that I didn’t revamp. Revamp was nothing more than me deleting old posts that were retarded, and beginning to post regularly. Although, seeings that I have less than a month of school left. I really have more important things to focus on, such as finishing my album, making decent grades, and having as much flipping fun and involvement at this college as possible, because you never know if this is going to be your last semester at Southern Adventist University. Money is tight, the end of the world is near (I’m serious, that’s not a joke),  and I could die at any time (also not a joke). Also, I still don’t know what I want to do for crying out loud. Religious Ed, maybe? Eh…I think so. Theology’s not my thing.  In the sense that I don’t want to be a pastor. At all. You have to really have a passion for that specific form of ministry, and I don’t have it. Does that mean I don’t want to ever preach? Maybe, but not necessarily. Does that mean God is telling me to leave this major? No, but I haven’t been pushed to stay in it by anything or anyone else other than my mother (and now I bet she’d rather me pull out of school and start training under this “Present Truth” church pastor she’s under now…long story that I probably won’t tell unless it’s more relevant). I think that pretty much settles it then. I’d like to teach Bible…but it probably be good to minor in something else to teach just cause. Marketability. Anyway you look at it, I need to gird up my loins. Had a good talk with Mr. Ray-to-the-Minner today. He invited me to his place to chat for a bit about some things and have some dinner, which was nice. How much did I get out of it? I guess, if I’m waiting for that all-my-problems-are-solved thing, I don’t think that happen. I guess I realized I have another friend who’s over the age of 50 (which is not a bad thing, and definitely not the point I want to make here). I talk to several different teachers that have become my mentors and friends over the past 2 and a half years. Particularly when I used to talk to Doug Tilstra, I would look for that problem solved feeling afterwards (which was dumb because he always tries to get me thinking on what steps I can take to change things. Months ago, I told him to go harder on counseling me, so I guess this is his way of doing it. And it would work if I wasn’t such a hoar, and followed through on absolutely nothing. Out of all the mentors I have I probably look up to him the most. Jan Haluska and I don’t usually talk frequently, but when we do talk, we get it in for an hour or two and cover EVERYTHING. He gives it to me straight most of the time, and me being the “honest” person that I am appreciates that. Alan Parker has been a friend to me since day one…and I’ve never actually taken a class from him, I believe I just rolled up in his office one day during freshman year. I actually consider him less of a mentor and more of a friend. (Have also had some good conversations with his wife as well.) Doug Jacobs, and Kevin Kibble I talk to less, and for the same reason. They’re too nice! (Especially Kibble) This isn’t a bad thing, and I’m really just kidding, but I’m more likely to see them when things are going okay as opposed to not. And now we have Mr. Minner to add to this group. (this is getting lengthy, so let me get to the point.) Talking to people doesn’t solve problems in and of itself. Particularly when the real issue is something internal. That takes action and surrender to God (which I haven’t been willing to do obviously). There’s always going to be drama, there’s always going to be something new to cry or complain about. Things are going to be forever retarded until this mess is over. I hate this world and the way it’s set up. I don’t even have to look at the news to feel this sentiment. Until I accept Jesus to REALLY be in my life…I will continue to be living, breathing death. I have nothing else to hold onto. I’m not that skilled or respected or well-paid to the point where it should matter. (I say this because these are the things I see people riding on instead of Christ. Myself, I’ve been riding on nothing. Which is why I’ve been nothing.) Enough introspection. You get the point. I need to die. To self. I don’t want to, but I need to.

COMING SOON! I am revamping this blog along with my youtube…want to make it more interesting and suitable for viewers and readers…I’ve posted a lot of worthless material in both places, and would like to make it actually count! ITS COMING SOON OH SNAP

Well, I know I’m about 11 days or so late, but happy 2010! What can I say, I’ve been busy, so I haven’t been keeping up with this blog as much as I probably could or should have. But this year I’m going to make an effort to regularly post blogs, videos, and more of my poetry that has been hidden from the face of the earth for ages (or at least some months anyway). Last semester ended well…it turns out that I barely passed my Math class, but the point is…I PASSED! Break was great (surprisingly…for the first week). I was so saturated with Christ during that week. I feel as though God was trying to heal me emotionally while I was at school, and once I got back home he was trying to heal me spiritually. Really important stuff. Christmas day sucked (my fault…with a little help from my sister as well…because we just really know how to treat the ones we love). It wasn’t all bad after that. But it began to get worse. Oh wait a minute…back up…I worked about 70 hours both weeks at Publix. Lord, I am thankful for that job, but I hate it all the same. Please don’t make me go back there! Anyhow…at the end of break some real bull went down and completely brought my family back to square one of dysfunction. Well, that sounds a little over-dramatic, but nevertheless, things are as jacked up as they were before I came home. I was trying to do better. Trying to let God use me. Trying to keep peace, all that good stuff. And at the time I really thought I was. But, like much of my life, either I was deluded completely or Satan just came in and devoured all the hope that would have been. I don’t know if there will ever be a time when my family isn’t jacked up. I’m going to stop talking about this now.

So new semester! I changed my major for the fifth time in two years and now I’m doing Pastoral Care. I guess the thing about that is I really want to do counsleing, but I don’t want to be jobless after 4 years of college for a Pysch degree. Plus I want/need to do something in ministry, so here we go. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Not sure if I missed my calling or found it, but that’s where we are.

SNOW! Well, I got to see a little bit of snow last week, and it was fun while it lasted. They even canceled school on Friday (for no reason, seeings that we couldn’t even measure the snowfall in inches, and the roads weren’t very icy at all).

Music/Poetryish things! It’s coming. Means a lot to me, and I hope it mean a lot to others as well. You get out what you put in, so I’ve already started recording as of 2 days ago.

That’s all for now folks…more writing later…

Is anyone else scared of finals or is it just me? As I sit here at 4 am (I fell asleep on a movie tonight, and it made sleep tonight a bit irregular) preparing to write a paper while Andrea Bocelli plays on this mp3 player of  mine, I can’t help but feel more than a little funky about these things. I have to make a B in my math final in order to get out of my math class alive. Plus 3 finals in one day….tomorrow! Granted, they shouldn’t be too difficult, but even so…I’m gonna have to carry that weight. Today was a pretty good day, all things considered. I was late for church (late Bible study the previous night), and I spent much of the afternoon at Dr. Alan Parker’s house watching his kids roll around the floor with plastic balls (several different ones). Although I could consider this the cop-out way to spend my afternoon, I enjoyed it anyhow. Also spent the rest of the evening at my friend Landon’s house…however game night was a little sparse this time, so it wasn’t amazing…but it was still a nice night. Next semester I definitely want to make some changes in the way I handle things. I’ve been learning much from my mistakes, but I still make plenty. It’s just hard sometimes to figure out when and what you’re doing wrong, because it could be everything. If you’re one of those inferior people like me, then you know what I’m talking about. (I’m not kicking myself, I’m just saying). Also…I’ve decided that I’m going to update my blog no matter who’s reading it or not. Because if someone does decide to keep up with it, at least they’ll have something to read! Alright, time to get back to this paper. When finals are done, I’ll have more to say, and probably some youtube videos to post as well…but until then..OOOOGA GABOOGA!

It’s been a while since I’ve typed anything on here (mainly because…as I’ve mentioned before…I have an audience of about two people…but that’s besides the point). I’ve been busy with school and just trying to figure life out…you know the usual. Anyhow…this has really been an interesting semester. Interesting because I’ve been analyzing a lot of the people I’ve been around, as well as myself at the same time. I think one of the things that hurt me during the time I was working at home was my disconnection with everything. I hated having to go that stupid job everyday, my family was getting on my nerves (understatement), and nothing was ever working out. Coming out of that has made this semester harder than it should’ve been in all aspects, but most of all socially. It’s been a lot harder to connect with people…and then the people who I’m always around don’t seem to know/care what’s really going on (of course, if they did, they wouldn’t know what to do about it anyway, so it’s not like it matters anyway). Some of my best friends here actually happen to be teachers…which isn’t a bad thing at all, but it’s also…well, not a bad thing at all…but still…I dunno…

So there’s about 4 weeks left of this semester…and much of it is going to be spent on maintaining what decent grades I have (hopefully pulling them up) and definitely getting that Math grade up to a C (which is going to be a miracle any way you look at it). My mother says that if my grades aren’t decent, I won’t be coming back here (understandable). At this point, if I don’t come back, it’s definitely going to suck (to be blunt). But on the flip side of that, I don’t know if it’s going to be that big of a deal. It’s kind of laughable. I questioned this in the back of my head before I came, because I thought that if I came back here, and was around more people, old friends, better opportunities, tons of debt (sssh…let’s ignore that one), I would feel more fulfilled (for lack of a better word). I feel just as [empty, dead, incomplete, etc....choose the most appropriate word] if not more so now, than before. But just then, Captain Obvious busts on the scene, exclaiming, “You should be spending more time with God, and doing acts of service!” (Before any of you advise me in that direction…that is to say, those of you who actually do those things) Yeah, I know this, and I have been and am trying. Enough is never enough. But that’s enough for right now.