Notes On A Revelation

It’s been a while since I’ve typed anything on here (mainly because…as I’ve mentioned before…I have an audience of about two people…but that’s besides the point). I’ve been busy with school and just trying to figure life out…you know the usual. Anyhow…this has really been an interesting semester. Interesting because I’ve been analyzing a lot of the people I’ve been around, as well as myself at the same time. I think one of the things that hurt me during the time I was working at home was my disconnection with everything. I hated having to go that stupid job everyday, my family was getting on my nerves (understatement), and nothing was ever working out. Coming out of that has made this semester harder than it should’ve been in all aspects, but most of all socially. It’s been a lot harder to connect with people…and then the people who I’m always around don’t seem to know/care what’s really going on (of course, if they did, they wouldn’t know what to do about it anyway, so it’s not like it matters anyway). Some of my best friends here actually happen to be teachers…which isn’t a bad thing at all, but it’s also…well, not a bad thing at all…but still…I dunno…

So there’s about 4 weeks left of this semester…and much of it is going to be spent on maintaining what decent grades I have (hopefully pulling them up) and definitely getting that Math grade up to a C (which is going to be a miracle any way you look at it). My mother says that if my grades aren’t decent, I won’t be coming back here (understandable). At this point, if I don’t come back, it’s definitely going to suck (to be blunt). But on the flip side of that, I don’t know if it’s going to be that big of a deal. It’s kind of laughable. I questioned this in the back of my head before I came, because I thought that if I came back here, and was around more people, old friends, better opportunities, tons of debt (sssh…let’s ignore that one), I would feel more fulfilled (for lack of a better word). I feel just as [empty, dead, incomplete, etc....choose the most appropriate word] if not more so now, than before. But just then, Captain Obvious busts on the scene, exclaiming, “You should be spending more time with God, and doing acts of service!” (Before any of you advise me in that direction…that is to say, those of you who actually do those things) Yeah, I know this, and I have been and am trying. Enough is never enough. But that’s enough for right now.

This is the best video of ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME! Well, it’s really happy and I like it. So there.

Note: As tired as I am if I don’t write this now, I’m totally going to lose the original moment that I had (if I haven’t already). Last weekend I went on the retreat for my Intro to Ministry class. I can honestly say that it changed my world spiritually. I’ve been hearing the Holy Spirit speak to me on major levels that I didn’t think were possible at this point in my life (probably because I had no faith) and it’s crazy. It is a daunting task. But I can say that I feel God pulling at me just as much as I’ve felt Satan pulling at me in these past couple years. This week hasn’t been anywhere near perfect, but I must say it’s been a better week because I know that God is getting through to me. He was trying before, but maybe I just wasn’t receptive. I don’t know. Man! I originally wanted this to be one of those long and vibrant e-mails where I explain everything that I’ve come to understand…but as I’m tired (in every aspect), and as none of you all actually have time for all that, I’l just strip it down to a few key points on what’s been. (in no set order) 1. I got a good glimpse into how much God loves me. 2. A made a few (count em, few) decent friends that are going to help me through this process. 3. I realized what I don’t know can and will fill the Grand Canyon and beyond (hopefully that gap will get a little bit smaller as time goes on, cause this is too overwhelming currently) 4. I realized I have a long pattern of running away from my problems into distractions/addictions that either kill me slowly or stunt my growth all together (which is relatively the same thing) 5. Most of all, (now I sound like I’m writing a Comp paper) I want to get insulated. I see it in other people, so I know it’s possible to get to the point where every test and trial you reach doesn’t bring you to a screeching halt. When I say insulated, I mean…become stronger in the Lord to where I’m able to help others in addition not killing myself (figuratively) over every bump in the road. 6. My life has repeated itself numerous times. Something AIN’T working, obviously. 7. I still don’t know what God wants me to do with my life. I wish He would just tell me already, but I think he wants me to seek him a little harder to find out. I think. Therefore I don’t know. Much prayer is solicited at this point, but more than just that I could use some good advice (not that I haven’t been getting it, but the blinders are off, so I might catch something that was already said a little better) 8. All of this gave me a TON of stronger writing ideas like you wouldn’t believe. Well, you won’t believe it till you see it. Or hear it. Anyway. GOODNIGHT stephen P.S.: I’m learning too much out of Comp 101. Now if I still fail that at the end of this semester….we are gonna have a problem.

2 nights ago really messed me up, and of course what goes on in Stephen Barry world only affects said world and not the real one where everyone else cohabitates. Last night (or more accurately): An hour ago, I came in the dorm room from studying and my roommate Curtis started playing this recording of him singing happy birthday to me (two different versions of it in 5 or 6 part harmony…that’s Curtis for ya.) Then he gave me a hug. Which was kind of random. But cool. Okay, not that any of that changes anything, but I guess it’s proof that I still exist! You know like the whole, ‘You can’t see it, but you know it’s there’ wind analogy. That is all.

I’m beginning to realize a lot of things don’t matter. Haven’t reached that super epiphany yet, but I’m learning through the faulty vein of what I consider to be my brain. Friends are good to have, but in the grand scheme of things, they don’t matter. You might end up with one or two really close people that understand you/like you/and are just overall good healthy individuals to chill with. Or not. As my teacher Dr. Haluska would say… “Whatever.” (Another one of those things that sound a lot better when you hear it) However, I am being a slight bit less anti-social, and trying to get involved in some of my own projects as well as some of the schools programs (I’m looking for another word, but that’ll do at 2 a.m.) Thing number two is (slight reference to the “Stank Religion” post) your beliefs don’t matter until you put them into action in your daily life ALL THE TIME. I think of us good little Southern students living in our dorms, going to our classes, eating in the cafe/KRs/etc,  working our little 10-20 something hrs/wk on-campus jobs, watching our movies, working out at the gym or the wellness center, playing our games, and jamming to our music. Little to none of this actually involves God. Not that those activities are bad at face value (depending on the individual of course), but I notice a pattern of us doing our little routines without having worship (at any point), without praying (unless it’s finals week), or really having much of anything to do with God at all. And on the flip side of that we want to claim that we’re so much more righteous that the man that has nothing to do with God for a legit reason. At least he has a reason! You’re just being stupid! The thing is I wonder does everyone know they’re full of that much bull, or is everyone who behaves this way (like me) fully aware of their actions, but too much of an idiot to change the game. Discuss.

Things in the game done changed!!!! (I know that’s bad grammar, but hear me out) So I’ve been at SAU for a little over a week. I spent a whole year waiting and planning and “trying” to save money for this year and here I am. It’s not the same. Way too many freshman everywhere, and I do mean everywhere! Also, twice as many as there were when I was a freshman as there were when I was one. (Technically, I still am but whatever….) about 80% of my old friends have graduated, moved to different schools, left to work or just because they wanted to leave. It’s aggravating. I even tried the whole ‘going on outings with people you barely know and make friends with all of them by the end of the trip’. Did that this weekend and almost hated it. My classes are fine. The 5 teachers/mentors/friends that I specifically talk to are still as amazing as ever. Other than that, I just haven’t been feeling it. I don’t know…I’m in the process of figuring things out. More on this later.

It’s not even a week in and I’m already getting down to bidness…This is classic.

This is a bit of a short post for me. I’ve been here for over a year since I was at school. I’m not sure how much I have learned what with all of my so-called “honesty” and “keeping it real” demeanor. I know I have stumbled further away from Christ. I know that I have learned more about responsibility. I know that I have such a long way to go before I can ever reach any kind of goal or place of rightness in just being a man. I know I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now. I know I need to no longer want to need for someone to validate me in anything. I know that I still deal with the same problems that I always have. But at the same time, I don’t want to give up, as much as I may tell myself I do. I know that God has more for my life if I will just seek Him and be submissive. And as for everyone else’s pre-conceived opinions of me…that’s a bunch of bull.

More to come starting Thursday.